


A Day like This

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Mental Health Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-09-02
Packaged: 2019-07-06 02:21:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15876483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon has a bad day and Baz picks a fight with him. Then, they both realize that they were hurting each other more than they meant to.





	A Day like This

**Simon.**

 

Sometimes, the hardest imaginable thing in the world to me is taking a breath, but I do it anyways. Most times, I feel like I'm failing at being the Chosen One, but when I lie there in the morning, drawing a breath because I have to, that's when I truly feel like a hero. Even though it's pathetic, and the only one I'm saving is myself.

On days like these, breathing is me sharpening my sword. Getting out of bed is getting a spell right. Taking a shower is slaying a monster.

It's days like these that I build myself around my smile, because everything will crumble if I drop it. Wash my face, smile. Put on my clothes, smile. Get down to breakfast, smile.

Tell myself everything is going to be alright, and don't. think.

Smile.

Slay the monster.

Everything is going to be alright.

Smile.

Sharpen the sword.

You're not – you are.

You won't – you will.

One day, everyone will realize -

Smile.

“Snow.”

Breathe.

“Snow, you put your jumper on the wrong way.”  
Sneers. No. Smiles. Keep the smile on.

“You dress like a child, moron.”

Oh no. Dropped it. There. It's on the floor, lying sadly like a misshapen crescent moon.

In short, days like these are not good days for picking fights with Baz.

But I do it anyways.

 

**Baz.**

 

Sometimes, Snow says something that's meant to insult me, but deep down I know that it's true. Or I'm afraid that it's true. That's when he hits me so hard, that all I can see is red.

“Nobody cares about the opinion of a vampire,” he says. “If anyone knew what you are, they would kick you out of Watford.”  
Right. So that's how he wants to play it. He can have that, if he wants.

“Oh right, because everybody cares about _you_ so much. Who does that again, remind me? The Mage? Who only ever uses you for fights and drops you like a hot potato as soon as he doesn't need you anymore? Agatha? Who broke up with you? Because she must have realized that she doesn't want you. I think she only ever really wanted you because she felt like she was supposed to.”  
Of course, I don't believe that. Snow and Agatha are a golden couple and they are perfect for each other, no matter how much I resent that.

“And Penny,” I smirk. “She obviously just pities you. Why else would someone like her waste her time on you? You're a waste of magic, Snow. And nobody wants you.”  
Suddenly, he starts crying, and I realize that I, too, cut deeper than I mean to sometimes. He sinks to the floor, like he can't hold himself up any more, and leans against his bed.

He was supposed to bark back. He usually does. He was supposed to get angry at me and start fuming. He would, unless... Unless deep down, he thinks I'm right.

But that can't be true. Everyone at Watford loves Snow. He's practically friends with the entire school. There's no way that he feels lonely. And he smiles so much, all the time. There's no way anything I could say to him would ever truly hurt him.

“Snow,” I whisper hoarsely. I don't think he can hear me.

 

** Simon. **

 

You're not enough.

You won't save the world of Mages.

One day, everyone will realize that they're wasting their time on you.

I have no idea what I'm doing, and nobody cares.

I'm in way over my head, and nobody cares.

People only like me because I'm the fucking Chosen One, but once they realize that whoever chose me chose wrong, they're gonna leave.

“No one cares about me,” I whisper, tears streaming down my face. “People only care because they think I'll save them. Because I have so much magic.”

“Snow.”

“What?”  
I look up and he's standing in front of me, frown and sneer gone. His eyes are wide and his gaze is soft and I can't understand that. I just cried in front of him. That puts him in a position of power. Why isn't he mocking me?

“Do you really think that?” he asks.

“I know for a fact that that's true. None of the Normals liked me. Somehow, I always ended up fighting them. But here... The only reason it's different here is because of my magic. Why else?”

“Snow, I -”  
He gets chocked up and that startles me, because Baz always knows what to say.

“I thought you knew...”  
“Oh, I _know_ , Baz. Seven years spent here at Watford and you think I didn't notice that I'm shit at magic? I – I know that everyone thinks I'm a powerful Mage, but I'm actually not – there's no one who thinks I'm an imposter as much as me, not even you. And I – I – I – I know that nobody is gonna care once I've failed – or even once I've saved everyone. I know that it's all – all a lie. Even if they don't mean to. I know that Penny is – she's gonna find a better project than me. I know that Agatha doesn't need me.”  
“I didn't know you felt this way.”  
“Really? Didn't you go out of your way to make me feel this way? But don't worry. I've been alone for most of my life. When I suddenly had friends, I knew that they weren't going to stay.”  
Tears keep welling up in me and I try to swallow them down, put on a smile, but I can't. Not even in front of Baz. I shouldn't be telling him this. It's against the rules of how to treat your arch nemesis. Never let him know how you really feel, because he'll use it against you. But it's a day _like this_. And on a day like this, I just can't.

And right now, putting on a smile would be like saving the World of Mages. And we both know that I can't do that.

“And you, Baz. You seem to be the only one who can see it. I tried so hard to be your friend, but you wouldn't let me. Why not? The Crucible cast us together, why can't you be my friend?”

I let out a shaky breath.

“Maybe it's because I don't deserve it.”

“Snow,” he says and blinks. Like he's about to cry, too. Baz? Crying? I keep looking at him, trying to find out what he thinks, but I've never been able to do that.

“I'm... sorry.”  
“What?”  
A tear rolls down his cheek. An actual tear. And it tears at my heart. Baz doesn't apologize.

“I didn't know you would believe me,” he mutters.  
“What are you talking about?”  
“Things I say when we fight. I thought they just made you angry, not that you would – I didn't think you would ever feel this way. You, of all people.”  
“What way?”  
“Like... like me. Lonely. Like you don't deserve what you have.”

“You're not lonely. And there's no one more entitled than you.”

“I'm a monster, Snow. You said it yourself. What the hell do I deserve? You say you feel like everyone is gonna leave once you've failed, or once you've saved everyone? Well, I feel like everybody is going to despise me once they know what you've realized a long time ago. So I guess we match. Cause you think I was right. And I think you were right.”  
His voice sounds strange, like it's broken. And like it hurts him to say these words.

“But I wasn't, you know? I never meant it. Snow, I – Bunce loves you. She's never going to leave you. And maybe Agatha doesn't want you, but that doesn't mean she'll stop being your friend. And who cares about the Mage, honestly? Who cares about him? He never treated you like you deserved. And I want you to know... that I care about you. A bit too much, sometimes.”  
Something inside of me freezes. He smiles a sad smile. (How does he manage it?)  
“I'm in love with you,” he whispers, his lips quivering. “Like a fucking idiot.”

He can't – he's not – what? What?

“You're – You're lying – aren't you?”  
I laugh awkwardly, not knowing what to think.

“For Crowley's sake, why would I lie to you?”  
He sounds exasperated. Tired. Worn out. Was I really wrong about so many things?  
“This is a lose-lose situation for me. Either you think I'm lying and hate me, or you know that I love you, and hate me. I can't win, Snow. I just – I can't hear you talk like that. I just really, really need you to know that I never meant it and that you deserve to have a friend.”  
He turns away from me.

“I was never going to win.”  
“You're not making sense, Baz,” I say, not knowing what to believe any more.

“You think all of this is some sort of game, right?” he mutters, still not looking at me. “Defeat one boss and get to the next level. Only you would want to make friends with the enemy. Everything is a fight with you. And I've always known that I was never going to win. I've always known that no matter how hard I pushed you, you would always bounce back. That's why I kept pretending to hate you. Because nothing can hurt you.”  
“This is hurting me,” I say, because I definitely am hurting. It's like each of his words is a stab to my heart.

“How?”  
“You,” I sob. “Talking like you've given up. The great Baz Pitch. What about the Viking's funeral? What about the audience when you finish me off?”  
“Empty phrases. See, I thought that's who you needed me to be. I thought you needed me to be a villain. But – but now I can see that really, you just needed a friend. I love you, Snow, I love you so much, and I give up. Pretending not to care, pretending like I'm not dying on the inside, pretending I'm not scared shitless, I give up on all of it. I'm swearing like a Normal, that's how scared I am. You're not alone, Snow. And I'm really, really sorry.”

And then, he gets up to leave, like that's the end of this conversation. I won't let him. I get up and grab his arm.

“So, you love me.”

“I just said so, Snow, let me go,” he sounds annoyed. But I can see his eyes shimmering, and I know that he's scared. And that he's lonely, too.

“Let's do this, then.”  
“We can't be friends, Snow. It's too late for that.”

“No, it's not. Because – you care about me.”

I try to sound confident when I say it. His expression falters.

“You don't have to be the villain, Baz,” I whisper, keeping my grip on him. “I'm not gonna make you be. I'm not going to fight you.”

I grab his hand.  
“I like this better than fighting.”

He looks at our intertwined hands, like he can't believe that they're touching. I grab it tighter. Suddenly, everything seems so easy. We won't fight. We're going to get out of this alive.

“And when it's all over, Baz, you'll still be there, right?”

“Right...” he whispers, and I know he's given up. No. Not given up. He's giving in.

“And I know you're a vampire, but I'm still here, okay? And I want to be here. And I promise I'll stay.”

“Even when...”  
“Through everything. If you'll stay too.”  
“Okay.”  
“Okay...”

I lean forward and he lowers his head. Then, I gently press my lips to his, still holding his hand and breathing his air. He buries his fingers in my hair and tugs at it. Like he's planning on never letting me go. And I pull him towards me like I'm not planning to either.

Suddenly, smiling seems like the easiest thing in the world.

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm alive! Who would've thought? Not me, for sure.


End file.
